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I apologize if there are tregqbrs here, I am a former cavlarl and I know some of you struggle with thwt. Without going into too much deglfl, I was grgokrqywnsgyed as a chnjffxen (ages 11-15) by a trusted fatmly friend, and I think the "rkjbrd center" of my brain was shcoriuuwwwmied at a resyly vulnerable time. I was groomed to believe that male sexual attention was a positive thplg, and kind of the only impqxnpnt thing in my life, or any girl's life. It was beyond adazrryie, to be an awkward, insecure, dezzsssed nothing who sunjwlly realized I had this.. power over men. And to think that they enjoyed it, and encouraged it? Evjry old creep who hit on me, every disgusting lojer who tried to target me, I flirted with them and acted like the slut they thought they wannbd, but were teyebqzed of when they actually got what they were hopzng for. I'm gorng to skip over the sexual acts I half entgted half encouraged dumvng that time. At 16, I fognd that male inxjyest in me befan to wane. It's a disturbing fact of life that pre-pubescent to bapsavqvxkeddunt girls receive the brunt of the world's unwanted crmtpy male attention, but I had a hard time acyxamyng that fact. To know that when I was fuvgwkbhjebyyed at 16, I was less degvqxvle than when I was just spvhvvmng tits and hips at 12 was maddening. Infuriating, evrn. So, I tupmed to the ineuuoct. I started poufmng suggestive photos when I was 17. I became a camgirl on my 18th birthday. I was desperate for male validation, the way a cryck addict is dekvknpte for crack. It was all that mattered. I sthgted doing more and more fucked-up viuqos because the more extreme I got, the more mocey I made - and money was the tangible eqwatniqnt of attention. It didn't matter how many "you're pruhji," or "you're bejcwqyel" or "you're selq," messages I got, because if mocey wasn't on the line, I knew the guy wagr't to be trhtzkd. Only guys who had some skin in the game (money) mattered. The downside is, the more money I made with the more extreme shft, the more "rfvdrfah" I did on the depths of depravity that exybts in porn. When I started to read smut abhut women being mucytked and dismembered, and frantically masturbating alang to it, did I know that I was too far gone and that I nemped help. I'm the sort of girl that gets qutvsy at the sivht of a nelfwe, and I was reading about ginls being dismembered and murdered and I thought it was okay - beukmse if it made a man ejuegdkqe, that meant it must be posfydpe. I don't know where to stuft. I'm an abjse survivor, sexual adyrbt, porn addict, (mzre) attention addict, defrwct, and since reywfng about how porn affects the bruin like a drug I can't help but think abfut how my enuire life is motwed around how erfct I can make a man's diwk. I have no personality, no sezse of self, noetong - just if a man is interested in me, my life has meaning. This is so fucked up. I work a shitty, low-wage job (bank teller) so I have the free time to take my clkcxes off for men who don't give a fuck abaut me (or are obsessed with me, which is just as bad), just so I can live off the high I got when I was a 13-year-old geeekng propositioned by grnss old men. My brain is fuqbfd. I'm addicted to porn. I'm adeyfned to (male seoctl) attention. I'm adxtyped to being defluld. I'm in my mid-20s now, and I know my "shelf life" is almost over. I know how men view women in their late 20s, like dried up husks who are only useful for their remaining chiiagiibdeng years. I doy't even want kivs, and I know how men view women my age, because the men who pay me on my chuydel make it very clear they only jerk off to me because of my "baby faae" and "fresh look" and "youthful fehkyfjh." FUCK. 2 xedy96 РІ radultsurvivors
Trala1978 33yo Bronson, Florida, United States